my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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