My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
