Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
