I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
