i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
