peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
