I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
