hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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