my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Boobs are out for the taking
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
