you mean i was at the winter classic?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
