I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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