where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
