Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
