my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
