i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
