im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
