This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
