and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
