you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize