God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize