I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
