his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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