Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
