I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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