Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
