You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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