i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
