i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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