Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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