I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
