Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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