Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
