just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
