man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
