And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Non-Jews are for practice
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
