I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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