We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
