I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize