dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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