Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
