finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
