Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
