dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You were trust falling into bushes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
