but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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