he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize