hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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