today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
