best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
