I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
