I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize