My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
