I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
