Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
