laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
