Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
