Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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