i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
