why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
