can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
