Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
