i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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