i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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