my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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