ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
God, you're like boner-b-gone
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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